Usually when I get to a wedding reception I’m already ecstatic for the couple being married, but the moment I see a wedding candy bar in the room my eyes light up and signal my brain it will be a sugar filled and gluttonous night. I can’t help but give high praise to the couple for knowing how to provide such delightful wedding favors for their hundreds of guests. What better to indulge the insatiable sweet tooth that with the manna from heaven, a wedding candy bar?

Many people out there are excited to receive the flower arrangements placed on the table so that they could take them home and display them for all to see. That’s really way too much commitment in my opinion. I really can’t be bothered with transporting an overzealous tablescape to only worry about one more thing to water at home. Just point me in the direction of the wedding candy bar and I’m set. All you really need to send me home with is an intense sugar rush and euphoric pleasure that comes from that wedding candy bar.

You see, I’m not the type to stay in my seat for the entirety of the reception. Sure I mingle and talk to other guests there. What easier excuse can I use to get up from the table just to escape sitting next to middle-aged drunk man who came stag to the wedding reception? I can casually get up and head over to the wedding candy bar and no one would be the wiser. I can stand there and ponder about the combination of sweets I can make at the wedding candy bar. Would personalized M&M’s pair well with black licorice? Of course they don’t, black licorice is the nastiest candy in the world. Personalized M&M’s should match with the candied lychees at the end of the row. There are the chocolate turtles eyeing me with those beady nut eyes. No, but I must save that confectionary for its own meal. Those chocolate turtles deserve it. This time, I need something a bit more fruity in nature and easy enough to share. I find my treasure in some gummy worms and start my trek back from the wedding candy bar.

On the way back I see my old college buddy and stop to converse to him about the greatness of these wedding favors the bridal party has opted for. He, being crazy for anything sweet, expresses how he has already visited the wedding candy bar six times before his cute little sister told him to not look like such an addict. Naturally, I took her side on the matter even though I was close to double digits for the number of times I walked to that sugary heaven. Not to be controlled by his sibling, he took off from his table and headed to fill another bag with edible wedding favors.

With him gone, I took my chance with his twenty three year old sister and chatted with her for a few minutes. I offered some of my gummy worms to her and she exchanged with some from her own stash. Black licorice, truly it is the bane of my existence. It hadn’t occurred to me that something would actually pick those accursed straws of poison. What did it matter though? She was cute and we were starting to hit it off at a wedding reception of all places. Numbers were exchanged and I resumed my journey from the wedding candy back and back to table twelve.

I was dreading what would happen when I get back to the table with my seat assigned next to Captain Morgan himself. From where I was, it started to look like he was hitting on one of the other ladies at the table much to her discomfort. I just used my wedding candy bar excuse and it wouldn’t look right to make another run for at least another half hour. I inhaled deep and lowered myself into the chair hoping Jack Daniels would be too preoccupied trying to bring home his own wedding favor for the night. He turned to me wanting a pen so he could write his number down for the lady but to my luck he eyes the wedding gift I had assembled from the wedding candy bar.

The captain expressed his childlike wonderment at the cute little candy filled bag I have in my hand and asked, “Where did you get that?” To which I handily replied, “Over at the wedding candy bar on the opposite side of the room.” It’s not hard to see how the sight of some Jordan Almonds makes people want to grab some as well. Johnnie Walker here shifts his attention to procuring himself a bag of his own and clumsily excused himself from the table. The lady he was formerly conversing with thanks me for shifting the guy’s attention to the wedding candy bar providing her with a few minutes of relief.

And as Mr. Morgan puked on some suit three tables away, I sat happily with my eighth wedding favor of the night and giggle to myself. Wedding candy bars really do make these wedding receptions better. Sometimes though, they dont quite satisfy my taste buds suffciently, and so i'm required to hit up the a trusted online candy store.